The Dinner Party: Erik the Analyst
Follow the inner monologue of an Analyst as they attend a dinner party. Part 3 of 4.
Welcome to Part 3 of the Dinner Party Series. Up to now, we’ve followed the experience of Pablo, the Performer, and Lena, the Feeler. This week, we’ll meet Erik, the Analyst, at the same party. As you read, consider what seems familiar.
The Invitation
Oh, interesting. The Smiths are having a dinner party, and I’m invited. That’s nice of them to include me. I should go; there are a couple of people I want to see, including the Smiths.
I wonder why they chose to use an Evite? An email or text would have worked fine. I don’t need all the pomp and circumstance. It just gets in the way. Attending a party is a yes or no question, right? I’m sure I’ll go and it will be great.
The Preparation
I want to look nice and fit in, but it’s not clear to me what that means for this party. I look at my closet and see things that match, but I’ve never been good with fashion. It changes all the time and seems so ephemeral. What matters to me is comfort and function. I want be warm in case we go outside, I don’t want to stain a white shirt, or show off ratty socks if we have to remove our shoes.
The truth is, I’d prefer to have a uniform that I wear every day. This way, I wouldn’t feel anxious about fitting in.
It helps me to mentally prepare for these kinds of social situations. The flow of normal conversation doesn’t come as naturally for me. The back-and-forth small talk and banter are sometimes hard to follow. I’m not always sure where to jump in or what to say that feels right.
I’ve experienced strange reactions to what I say throughout my life, and I'm not sure why. People sometimes laugh when I don’t think I’m being funny. I often remind myself to keep it short. I can sometimes be loquacious, especially if someone asks about one of my interests.
The Arrival
Arriving at a party can be stressful because I will be the center of attention for a few moments. I’ll need to put effort into staying calm, not attracting attention, or looking like a weirdo. Couldn’t I enter through the back door?
For me, all the normal pleasantries, handshakes, and eye gazes require concentration. I’ve learned to do it well, but it can zap my energy, and I have a hard time remembering names. My mind is on a social script that keeps me on track.
Pre-Dinner
I quickly notice that Jeff is here. Good. He and I have enjoyed discussing history, especially Napoleon. We can talk for hours, and it will surely come up later. This will be my refuge.
Refuge from what exactly? Questions like “How have you been?” for one. I never know what to say. I really should have prepared for it and now I’m drawing a blank. I do much better with questions about specific things, where I can learn from someone or talk about something real.
I find myself scanning the room. I notice the snacks and my favorite cheese on the cheese board. The books on the bookshelf are interesting. Are they organized by theme or alphabetically? I’ll have to review them later. The music seems loud, but I assume some people like it. I wonder: is it rational to have conversations and loud music at the same time?
The Dinner
Finally, I can sit down and focus on eating. The people at the table all know one another, and I have my favorites, like Jeff. I’m often attracted to people who aren’t trying to put on a show. They say what they mean and don’t talk in code.
Samantha is a good example. She’s low-key and easy to talk to. She never makes a scene or makes anyone feel bad. She does her thing, and it feels real.
Pablo is… a lot. I enjoy his company, but it’s obvious he lives for attention and works for it. He is fashionable, informed, and has opinions he shares with ease. He lights up the room and keeps everyone engaged. I wish I had a bit more of that ability.
Lena is so nice and obviously cares about others and the state of the world. I sometimes wonder if it’s real. It’s hard for me to imagine feeling things so deeply and wanting to share those feelings with others. We’re really different.
The food is good (I’m not a foodie), and I constantly remind myself about manners and doing what is expected. The unspoken rules are what give me trouble. How does anyone know what to do? What’s the optimal place to sit? How do I know how much to serve myself? Is there enough food?
As you can tell by now, I’m not great at picking up on social cues or reading the room. It's not always apparent to me when the mood changes or the discussion takes a turn. Because I worry about saying the wrong thing, I often stay quiet and observe.
I find people fascinating in social situations. They socialize so easily, as if they don’t have to think about it. When they are together, they end up talking about pop culture and use phrases and references that are new to me. I enjoy listening and look for things to research later. It’s always been this way, and I’m used to it. I do best when people communicate directly.
The fact is, I have a great sense of humor, a sharp wit, and a distinctive way with words that people enjoy. My vocabulary lends itself to puns and turns of phrase that make people laugh. And if you'd like to know more about Napoleon, just ask!
Winding Down
On the way home, I’m mentally exhausted but happy to have spent time with friends. I feel grateful that I can be a part of this group. They accept me for who I am and that matters to me.
I spent much of my life trying to adapt to what people expect. As an adult I don’t care as much, but still want to feel accepted. I worry about every conversation. Was I awkward? Did people get the wrong impression? Maybe I should probably follow up to make sure.
Home
In this world, the pretense of social life fades away, and I can truly be myself. In social situations I’ve learned to use mental guardrails that help me fit in and feel comfortable. It takes concentration to remember to ask questions, make eye contact, and watch out for tangents, but it’s worth it.
At home, the guardrails fade away and I can relax.
What I want most is time to pursue my interests. I’m most alive when solving a problem, diving deep into a project, or learning something new. And I’m really good at it.
love this one