How Nerds Get High
The role of rules in The Nerdiverse and why they matter
Friends, the Nerdiverse series continues. Today, I’m discussing a quality that compliments the nerdy preference for rational thinking from my last post.
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The Rules
When driving a car, there are different rules to consider. The most obvious are explicit rules, like stopping at red lights and obeying the speed limit. If we break these rules, we could get into an accident or get a ticket. They are codified into laws, so everyone reacts in the same way.
There are also implicit rules that aren’t as obvious or enforceable. There are no laws about using your horn or when to let someone into your lane. These are more intuitive and social. Everyone has a different approach.
This difference between explicit and implicit rules also applies to the social game and can help us understand a quality of nerdiness.
A Crowded Bar
Imagine you’re in a crowded bar. You know the explicit rules: you need ID to buy alcohol and shoes on your feet. There are also implicit rules that apply to the social game. These are a mix of common courtesies and an intuitive sense of how to behave in the situation. They inform how people dress, what to say, and how to fit in.
For you, someone with nerdy tendencies, implicit rules are not as useful or valuable. You are friendly, curious, and interesting but unsure of what to say or how to behave.
In FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell, a character describes this feeling:
“It’s just... everything. There are too many people. And I don’t fit in. I don’t know how to be. Nothing that I’m good at is the sort of thing that matters there. Being smart doesn't matter—and being good with words.
From your perspective, the implicit rules, the rules of the social game, seem less important. The preening and performance of social situations can seem frivolous compared to more intellectual pursuits. You ask: Why would anyone care?
Confidence and Rejection
To you, being different relates to confidence. You know what works for you, even if it means standing apart or having fewer friends. The problem is that standing apart can attract negative attention. NOT caring about the implicit rules, NOT being embarrassed, and NOT playing the social game can feel otherworldly to others.
In your youth, this was a difficult situation to navigate. Being different led to being ostracized and bullied. You developed a fear of saying the wrong thing or wearing the wrong clothes. The potential for social rejection made an impression that hasn’t gone away.
Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman, in his book SOCIAL, says that social pain is connected to the basic human need for belonging.
We all inherited an attachment system that lasts a lifetime, which means we never get past the pain of social rejection, just as we never get past the pain of hunger. We have an intense need for social connection throughout our entire lives.
For some, the crowded bar is full of social connections, but for you, it feels different and unproductive. Within a couple of hours, your social battery runs low, and you’re ready for home.
What’s a Nerd To Do?
It doesn’t take long for nerds to discover a preference for working alone or with a small group focused on a specific activity, such as a game, coding project, puzzle, or hobby. The sense of belonging that some get from parties, nerds get from smaller, more focused groups.
What’s behind this consistency among nerds? What is it about games and coding, for instance, that attracts nerds?
Part of the attraction is the presence of explicit rules that create a system for participation. Unlike the rules of the social game, these rules are stated clearly, and everyone operates within them. Thus, there is less room for saying the wrong thing or feeling the sting of rejection. This is a stark contrast to the implicit rules of a crowded bar.
The High
Michael Lopp of RandsinRepose wrote an article called “The Nerd Handbook”, which is meant to help non-nerds understand the nerd experience. In it, he writes:
It’s another juicy cliché to say that nerds love video games, but that’s not what they love. A video game is just one more system where your nerd’s job is to figure out the rules that define it, which will enable her to beat it.
Lopp refers to this ability to understand the rules and beat the system as “The High,” which is like a hit of dopamine each time a problem is solved. This is one of the rewards that nerds seek, on computers or off. This can also manifest in coupon-cutting, travel hacking, or modding electronics.
We all want The High; we just have different ways of achieving it. Rule-bound systems, such as coding and games, allow nerds to feel connected to others without the pressure of the social game. The rules are clear and rational; the repercussions are minimal. This creates a comfortable and predictable situation where nerds can be themselves.
Again, we see that nerds play a different social game that creates the sense of belonging and connection that we all need. Code sprints, board games, fantasy, and role-playing authentically reflect their values and interests. There is nothing wrong with these activities, yet they are stigmatized because they diverge from mainstream expectations.
Acting and Explicit Rules in the Script
You’re probably familiar with actor, writer, and director Jesse Eisenberg. Eisenberg, by his own admission, is an awkward guy. He’s not composed like a movie star, but that hasn’t held him back.
Eisenberg recently appeared on the Smartless podcast:
Jason Bateman: …you're so self-effacing and honest about your own neuroses, how were you possibly drawn to this incredibly exposing profession?
Eisenberg: Because to me, to have a prescribed way of behaving because of a character and lines, I feel so comfortable. The thing that makes me nervous is you go into a party and what am I saying to this person? Do I remember this person? I just want to go home. To have a prescribed way…you're playing this character.
What an insight. For him, acting is just another rule-bound system that provides instructions or rules for how to behave. Eisenberg, like many people, responds better to explicit rules and uses them to be one of the best at his craft.
The Difference
In the last post, I described a dynamic that is familiar to most people. There are:
Those who prefer to think rationally (data, evidence)
Those who are comfortable with irrationality (social and cultural cues)
In this post, we covered another dynamic:
Those who prefer to operate via explicit rules
Those who are comfortable with implicit rules
This highlights two of the qualities of nerdiness: a preference for rational thinking and rule-based systems. Think about yourself and the people around you. Where do you feel most comfortable?
Coming Up…
Next, we’ll dive into the nerdy stereotype of being smart and precise. What is it about nerdiness that seems so connected to intelligence?
Read the Series from the Beginning:
Welcome to the Nerdiverse (Series Intro)
Why Nerds Don’t Smoke (Rational Thinking)
Well said, structure and rules or the lack of such has defined our population of now